I hate October

Oh, there are things that I LIKE about October.  I love the leaves changing, Halloween, and R3's birthday.  I hate October because it is Breast Cancer Awareness month.  Every breast cancer ribbon makes me angry.  Sounds crazy, no?

It probably makes sense to a handful of you.  That handful who lost their mothers, like I did, to breast cancer.  I am reminded every day that I don't have my mother with me, but in October it seems like the world is conspiring to remind me why.

breast cancer awareness, pink ribbon, breast cancer ribbon

All my favorite gossip magazines, a lot of Facebook feeds turning pink, it is everywhere.  I feel like an open wound for a month.  It seems silly to even say that I can't bear to read People magazine, and watch another program about Sheryl Crow or Christina Applegate.  I mean, I am so happy for them that they survived, but I survive the loss every day. Not only of my mom, but of one of the most amazing women I have ever met.  Her name was Sara Jones.  She is enough that she was.  

My mom was a diva, she loved fur and anything that sparkled.  She was irrational, smart, and a warrior for the people that she loved.  She was unforgiving and so welcoming to anyone in need.  I used to say that she took in strays, people without a place to go, or who needed to get back on their feet.  My whole life, she would take in those who needed her.  I think she needed them too.  Some of my best friends today were those strays.  A skinny Indian kid who couldn't go home to India on Thanksgiving, a woman who was in the midst of a divorce, my pseudo sister who is my superstar.  I was her only child but she left me with this motley crew of a family that take care of me no matter what.  She was beautiful, a pain in my ass and I wish that she had taken better care of herself.  I wish she had been more proactive about her health.  We lost her two days after her 50th birthday.  She was too young.

As a result I have a love/hate relationship with my breasts.  I love that they have nourished my three babies, but they bring me untold anxiety.  I am gripped with a sudden panic almost every time I feel them, and as you know, nursing breasts are always changing.  I have been in for ultrasound after ultrasound, MRI, and mammogram.  I have tested negative for the BRAC-A gene.  It doesn't matter to my heart.  The anxiety has gotten so bad that I avoid touching them.  I know logically that that is the absolute wrong way to behave, but the fear is so real I can almost taste it.  That isn't even just in October, it's every day.  

F you October, I remember every day.  Come on November.  I like November better.

breast cancer awareness, pink ribbon
My mom, Dorothy

breast cancer awareness, breast cancer ribbon, pink ribbon

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